Fuck I’m grieving big time. It’s about someone who I love and relate to a lot because we were both misunderstood growing up. I’ve known her for 17 years, and we met online when we were teenagers when I was running forums and a RuneScape private server with Blake circa 2007 around middle school and the MySpace and MSN Messenger days.
I’m sorry it has to be this way, but until you can understand and realize how much your actions are tearing me down emotionally, it’s why you can’t be in my life.
I don’t want it to be this way, but I can’t help you. You won’t listen to me. You don’t care how I feel. It’s always about how you feel. Yet, you don’t want to lose me. Why?
We met online when I was running forums for Enkrona, a RuneScape private server. It went by New Gamers World then it became RuneFusion. I bought a vBulletin license when I had a debit card when I was 14 and my dad thought I was dumb for buying a license. You liked how overzealous I was of an admin enforcing rules and shit. I took shit way too seriously back then, I don’t know I thought that’s what everybody did, I was young and stupid lol.
You were obsessed with me and I didn’t even realize what it meant. I have memories from our school days with just how obsessed you were with me and I was too stupid to realize it at the time because I wasn’t paying attention. Fucking ADHD, nobody told me they suspected it until I got my IEP file and read everything that was in after I graduated high school. No idea why they didn’t just diagnose it back then, but I digress. You put me on a pedestal, maybe because I was doing better than you, or maybe I was that starlight you thought would lift you from your hole. You never told me exactly why you were obsessed with me. I know I’m not perfect, but we clicked and I was happy, and I wanted to help you thrive so we could both be happy, but you won’t listen to me.
We clicked because you were quirky like me; at least that’s how it felt to me. You seemed to know me better than I did when I was young and I didn’t even know it. We liked the same weird shit, these abstract and deep-fried memes, these quirky ａｅｓｔｈｅｔｉｃｓ, the same kind of music, and the same sense of humor.
I’ve felt lost without you, and I was too blinded by hyperfocusing on tech and computers that I didn’t realize how bad you were suffering. I didn’t know myself back then. It also didn’t help that I was anxious af too because I wasn’t confident with myself back then. I was too busy putting a mask on without even realizing it attempting to fit in to get by, and failing miserably at that. If only I knew all this back then.
Finally when I met my goals (and later inevitability burnout) hyperfocusing in tech, I realized the errors of my ways over the years. I was able to become more independent when I started making enough money to support myself and live on my own. I started noticing that my childhood was filled with toxic people. It’s been a painstaking process course correcting that all on my own. There’s so much shit I’ve learned in my late 20s and early 30s that I feel like I’ve should’ve learned in my teenage years. I’ve always been strong-willed since I was born, my mom can attest to that. My anxiety back then would often corrupt that and fear would take over. It didn’t help that I was surrounded by people projecting their anxieties onto me. I’ve since learned how to be myself and if people have a problem with that they can fuck right off.
You’re always on my mind despite people telling me you were crazy. I didn’t want to believe them. I didn’t know better back then when I was young and would get blinded by what people were telling me, that’s why I made a lot of misjudgment calls back then. It really does seem like you’re misunderstood, just like I am. I know you can be better, but if only.
No one else I’ve met has ever come close to you. Only illusions of such who just turn out to be toxic people would come close. You though, somehow you were different. I mean, we all have flaws, but it feels like deep down you actually give a damn about me. At least so I thought, maybe you actually do, but it certainly doesn’t feel like it because you can’t understand my emotions.
I know losing me is devastating for you and it takes an emotional toll on you, and I hate to say it, but you’ve left me with no choice. You know I want you in my life, but I can’t when you’re making me emotionally unwell. Cutting you off pains me deeply too.
I simply wish the best for you. I know you don’t like being miserable, but until you’re willing to work on yourself it is what it is.
I’ll always love you Khat </3 and I sincerely hope you understand someday :'(